Who’s on Your Bench?
Rich social bonds are part of how our minds stay strong, connected, and alive.
By James Gibb
October 30, 2024
When Dr. Dixon Chibanda, a psychiatrist in Zimbabwe, learned that one of his patients, Erica, had taken her own life simply because she couldn’t afford the bus fare to a hospital 200 miles away, he became determined to make sure it was the last in his country. Faced with the familiar challenges, such as lack of funding, lack of facilities, and lack of mental health professionals, he came up with an idea. He called it the Friendship Bench. This simple idea of a place in public to sit and talk changed mental healthcare in Zimbabwe, improving the lives of thousands of older adults.
The wisdom of grandmothers
The concept behind the Friendship Bench is rooted in the wisdom of grandmothers. In every community, grandmothers are a constant, in that they don’t tend to leave for greener pastures or bigger paychecks. Recognising the deep respect these women have within the community, Dr. Chibanda trained them to offer talk therapy in discreet, comfortable spaces, like park benches. It worked, largely because people trust and value the guidance of older generations.
Dr. Chibanda recognised grandmothers are really good at listening and reflecting back. They are often highly empathetic too. And of course, they have cultural knowledge and wisdom, gained from a lifetime of living. Today, 800 grandmothers in Zimbabwe, with an average age of 67, provide this therapeutic service, and the Friendship Bench has expanded to Malawi, Botswana, and Zanzibar, treating over 70,000 patients across all ages.
“This work gives them a sense of belonging and purpose,” Chibanda reflects. “They are giving back to the community and feel an immense sense of reward.”
Rich social interactions challenge our brains
Over the past few decades, research has shown that rich social lives have a positive influence on our brains. Whether taking part in intellectual discussions, learning from others, swapping ideas, or joining group activities like a book club, they all help stimulate the brain and reduce stress. They also help improve our memory and cognitive performance.
These activities all have something in common: they are unpredictable. That’s the hallmark of any real human-to-human conversation. We never really know what someone is going to say. That means we have to listen, anticipate, respond accordingly, improvise when necessary, and—when we are honest with ourselves—rethink a point of view that was previously untouchable.
The UCLA neuroscientist Dr. Matthew Lieberman believes our need for connection is built deeply into us. That over time, our brains evolved to help us create bonds with others so we could better understand each other and live together. Evolutionary anthropologist Dr. Robin Dunbar found that around 70 per cent of what we talk about is social in some way. In other words, that we spend more than two-thirds of our lives thinking and talking about other people, and trying to understand where we might stand with them.
Why social pain hurts
This need for human connection is so potent that being rejected by another can hurt in a way that feels almost physical, like breaking a bone. There’s a famous study that exemplifies this. People were asked to play a virtual game where a ball was thrown around. When other players stopped throwing the ball to someone, that person felt real distress, even though the other players were just graphics on a screen. Brain scans used in the study showed that the same region involved in physical pain also lit up when someone was being socially rejected.
Our brains treat social rejection seriously. Think of the exquisite pain you’ve felt when someone special is no longer in your life. Social bonds are heavily linked to our health, happiness, and how we make it through the landscape of life.
Being around people is not the same as being known
Yet, quantity doesn’t equate to quality when it comes to social interactions. Being surrounded by people or being in a group doesn’t necessarily prevent loneliness, especially when genuine, deep connections are lacking. True connection is about feeling understood, valued, cared for, and properly heard.
However, the modern world doesn’t always make it easy to build and maintain those deeper relationships. Research shows that social connections are declining, making loneliness and social isolation serious risks to health. The pandemic only made this issue worse, with chronic loneliness surging.
In the UK, nearly one million more people report feeling “often” or “always” lonely compared to before the pandemic, rising from 2.6 million to 3.3 million. This is especially evident among younger age groups and those who live in cities. In the U.S., the 2023 Surgeon General’s report highlights that nearly half of adults now experience frequent loneliness, which shows how large the problem has become.
Our friendships are being reshaped
Seismic shifts in society, such as urbanisation, the rise of individualism, and the advent of the algorithm, are reshaping how we form friendships—if they are formed at all. Digital platforms often prioritise breadth over depth, leading us to mistake fleeting, superficial online interactions for deeper, in-person relationships. There is no substitute for the richness of real, face-to-face conversations like the ones taking place on those Friendship Benches.
So, deep, genuine relationships matter. But these relationships typically won’t bloom by accident. Even thinking about the four or five people who matter most can be revealing. Who do we actually keep in touch with? Who have we let drift? What do we enjoy doing with them? I’ve had a monthly coffee morning with a good friend for the past three years and it’s a welcome habit we both enjoy.
There is useful information in how we feel after spending time with someone. When we have a problem in our lives, we may put off seeing friends, but time with a good friend can take the mind away from itself, even if only temporarily. We rarely regret getting together in these situations. That may be the difference between a real social bond and a flimsy one.
The mind seems to know the difference.
Much of life is shaped by what we believe and tell ourselves. I recently heard someone say, “You’ll never be younger than you are right now.” I remind myself of that often. More attention to what remains possible. More time for the people who keep us connected to ourselves and the world.
A mind for life is not built alone.
A few ways social bonds are kept alive
Regular rituals matter: Whether it’s a monthly coffee, a book club, or a casual walk in nature, having something recurring with a friend or group of friends can help build connection over time.
Old friendships can often be rekindled: Sometimes a quick message or call is enough to reopen a relationship that has gone quiet.
Presence matters: A phone on the table still signals something: our time together may be interrupted by something more important. Out of sight can help keep someone else in mind.
Shared activity can create connection: A fitness class, volunteering, or a local club can create new bonds through repeated experience.
Listening properly still says a lot: The best conversations usually come from trying to understand what the other person is really saying.
Read more of my earlier writing here.