Who’s on Your Bench?
Notes on Social Bonds
Deep Life Notes | Social Bonds
Rich social bonds are part of how our minds stay strong, connected, and alive.
When Dr. Dixon Chibanda, a psychiatrist in Zimbabwe, learned that one of his patients, Erica, had taken her own life simply because she couldn’t afford the bus fare to a hospital 200 miles away, he became determined to address the broader social, political, and economic challenges affecting mental health in his country. Faced with familiar obstacles—lack of funding, facilities, and mental health professionals—Dr. Chibanda came up with an idea. He called it the Friendship Bench. This simple idea significantly changed mental healthcare in Zimbabwe, improving the lives of thousands of older adults.
The wisdom of grandmothers
The concept behind the Friendship Bench is rooted in the wisdom of grandmothers. In every community, grandmothers are a constant; they don’t leave for greener pastures or bigger paychecks. Recognising the deep respect these women have within the community, Dr. Chibanda trained them to offer talk therapy in discreet, comfortable spaces, like park benches. It worked, largely because people trust and value the guidance of older generations.
Dr. Chibanda empowered these grandmothers by tapping into their innate abilities: listening, empathy, and reflecting, alongside their cultural knowledge and wisdom. Today, 800 grandmothers in Zimbabwe, with an average age of 67, provide this therapeutic service, and the Friendship Bench has expanded to Malawi, Botswana, and Zanzibar, treating over 70,000 patients across all ages.
“This work gives them a sense of belonging and purpose,” Chibanda reflects. “They are giving back to the community and feel an immense sense of reward.”
Rich social interactions challenge our brains
Over the past few decades, research has made something clearer: rich social lives ask more of the brain. Taking part in intellectual discussions, learning from others, exchanging ideas, and joining group activities such as book clubs, cooperative games, or community projects like the Friendship Bench can stimulate the brain and support reduced stress, better memory, and improved cognitive performance.
The reason is likely simple: real human interaction is never entirely predictable. We have to listen, read the room, respond, adjust, and sometimes rethink what we thought we knew.
Daniel Lieberman’s work helps explain why this matters so much. He argues that our need for connection is not some pleasant extra. It is built into us. Over time, our brains evolved to help us form bonds, read one another, and live with other people. Lieberman also found that around 70 per cent of what we talk about is social in some way. In other words, we spend much of our lives thinking about other people, talking about other people, and trying to understand where we stand with them.
Why social pain hurts
This need for connection is so powerful that rejection can hurt in a way that feels almost physical. In one study, participants played a virtual ball-tossing game. When the other players stopped including them, they felt real distress, even though the other players were only avatars. Brain scans showed that the same region involved in physical pain also becomes active during social rejection. It’s a good reminder that social rejection is not some soft, imaginary pain. The brain treats it seriously. Think of the exquisite pain you’ve felt when someone special is no longer in your life.
The relationship between our social lives and overall happiness is so important that economists regularly place it at the heart of their research on wellbeing. The message is hard to ignore: social bonds are not some decorative extras. They sit close to the centre of health, happiness, and how we make it through life.
Being around people is not the same as being known
Yet, quantity doesn’t equate to quality when it comes to social interactions. Being surrounded by people or being in a group doesn’t necessarily prevent loneliness, especially when genuine, deep connections are lacking. True connection is about feeling understood, valued, cared for, and properly heard.
However, the modern world poses challenges to building and maintaining these deeper relationships. Research shows that social connections are declining, making loneliness and social isolation serious risks to health. The pandemic only made this issue worse, with chronic loneliness surging.
In the UK, nearly one million more people report feeling “often” or “always” lonely compared to before the pandemic, rising from 2.6 million to 3.3 million. This is especially evident among younger age groups and those who live in cities. In the U.S., the 2023 Surgeon General’s report highlights that nearly half of adults now experience frequent loneliness, which gives some measure of how large the problem has become.
Our friendships are being reshaped
Big shifts in society, such as urbanisation, more flexible but isolated work environments, the rise of individualism, and the high usage of digital devices, particularly social media, are reshaping how we form and maintain friendships. Digital platforms often prioritise breadth over depth, leading us to mistake fleeting, superficial online interactions for deeper, in-person relationships. There is no substitute for the richness of real, face-to-face conversations like the ones taking place on those Friendship Benches.
The question, then, is what we do with this.
It may be worth going back to Daniel Lieberman’s work, which directs us to something simple: deep, genuine relationships matter. These relationships typically won’t flourish by accident. Even thinking about the four or five people who matter most can be revealing. Who do we actually keep in touch with? Who have we let drift? What do we enjoy doing with them? I’ve had a monthly coffee morning with a good friend for the past three years and it’s a welcome habit we both enjoy.
There is useful information in how we feel after spending time with someone. When we have a problem in our lives, we may put off seeing friends, but time with a good friend can take the mind away from itself, even if only temporarily. We rarely regret getting together in these situations. That may be the difference between a real social bond and a flimsy one.
The mind seems to know the difference.
A few ways social bonds are kept alive
Regular rituals matter: Whether it’s a monthly coffee, a book club, or a casual walk in nature, having something recurring with a friend or group of friends can help build connection over time.
Old friendships can often be rekindled: Sometimes a quick message or call is enough to reopen a relationship that has gone quiet.
Presence matters: A phone on the table still signals something: our time together may be interrupted by something more important. Out of sight really can mean out of mind.
Shared activity can create connection: A fitness class, volunteering, or a local club, can create new connections through repeated experience.
Listening properly still says a lot: The best conversations usually come from trying to understand what the other person is really saying.
Much of life is shaped by what we believe and tell ourselves. I recently heard someone say, “You’ll never be younger than you are right now.” I remind myself of that often. More attention to what remains possible. More time for the people who keep us connected to ourselves and the world.
A mind for life is not built alone.
Who’s on your bench?
Pass It On
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